After trying so hard for the pregnancy test after pregnancy test to become positive – I felt both shock and joy. I could not believe the wonderful gift God had given me to become a mother. I longed for it – I pined for it – I imagined it and could taste it.
Unlike most pregnant mothers I know – either during their pregnancies or when they talk about them. I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved making a baby. It was however at some point in my pregnancy that I had to come to the realization that the baby would have to actually come out of my body.
Fear took hold – I needed more pregnancy time. Nine months, (ten lunar) – 40 weeks – 280 days was not enough to hold onto a baby within my belly. I liked the idea of elephants having the opportunity to be pregnant for several years!!
Giving birth was a stage – then raising your children is another stage. The part about giving birth to my son that I never really comprehended in a real sense was that some day he would be a man and would actually leave. On the day you give birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy – you know somewhere in the far distant future – he will have to go and make his own way in the world. What is hard to wrap my brain around is how fast that far distant future has come upon us.
My husband Joseph seems to be handling things well. I for one am falling apart. This past year has been a year of big changes – growth – and of course pruning. We had in one year our Son Michele’s High school senior prom, graduation, learning to drive (which has aged me fifteen years in only six months) celebrating his 18th birthday and now he is leaving for college the day after tomorrow. Our daughter at the same time has graduated junior high, celebrated her holy confirmation and is now entering high school.
Like my pregnancy with Michele, this year has all the emotions of him being birthed to the world – albeit the vagina this time is the front door of our house - the same emotions of birthing him to the world still apply. One minute I’m excited and happy and proud of his new growths and accomplishments – and another moment I’m aggravated and irritated because my opinions don’t hold water and because of late I have become somewhat “stupid” and I “don’t know what I am talking about”.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to do during this past year is to “not do for Michele what he can do for himself.” I’ve had to watch him lose opportunities and painfully watch him suffer consequences good and bad for his actions. In these past weeks I have been a constant hammer of questions like - “what do you need? Are you taking that? Did you make the call? Where’s your list? Do they have a microwave?” etc… flying out of my mouth nailing Michele’s ears nearly every encounter that we see each other. While Michele has been packing to move away to college – I’ve had to step back. Every time I’ve tried to help – has turned into an argument because after all I was not actually helping him but in reality I was telling him what I think he should and should not pack and what I think he should and should not leave behind. It’s been hard to step back and let him decide and allow him to make these choices.
I tell myself its okay if he makes a mistake – how else will he learn? – And who is to say I’m right anyway? I tell myself that it’s probably good for him to forget something – that way he will perhaps come home and visit. Yet I want to pack him with all the comforts of food, bedding, toys, clothing and treats as if he is ten years old going on a camping trip.
If only we could bear to be near each other enough to get through this painful time - time which is precious and slipping away. As I am having a difficult time parting with Michele – I’m sure he is scared and nervous as well. (Although he did not tell me - I'm just guessing). He wants his freedom immediately yet he still yanks on my shirt tail - and I am in his way – I need to step aside and let him do what he needs to do. It all comes down to this: FEAR – of the unfamiliar – of making mistakes and of the possible pain we both may experience – and most of all the fear of separation. (I am the one with separation anxiety).
I am both scared and excited about sending Michele into the world. I think despite having me for a mom – he has turned out pretty well. One moment I can’t wait for it to be over with and another – I feel as if “I need more time”. It is what it is. It is all good stuff. And Nature does not wait for me or anybody to be ready.
So this Saturday we will be driving Michele off to his college dorm. My birthing pangs will probably be felt for days and possibly for months – and I will put my trust in God and all the angels to watch over and protect him.
It is time to let Michele test his wings and fly from the nest.
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