I should have left Husband Home

We took our firstborn, Michele to Rugters Collage today.  It was emotional enough.  It was enough to do the  driving - and put up with insults from husband - whether real or imagined - my driving mistakes - let alone what lane I was in blah blah blah.  If Joseph is not good at anything - he is a Master of being a back seat driver.   It was enough to take Michele to his Dorm with all his belongings - and use his toilet and say goodby.  What was not enough was getting chance to see where my son will be going to school, spending his days and nights and seeing where he gets his meals.

After we left the Michele's dorm, Husband would not let me walk around to see where things are.  Where is the bookstore?  Where does he get his food?  Where will Michele do his laundry?  What does the rest of the Dorm building look like?  Does it have a sitting area?  Where will Michele have a chance to study or stretch his legs?

Although I may not have been able to find all this out in our short visit.  However is a half an hour to much of a sacrafice for Joseph to allow me even if to ease my anxiety and to perhaps give me some sort of piece of mind?  What was the purpose of going other than driving one way (Joseph agreed to drive home) if I was not going to be allowed to see where my son is going to be living? - And I could have driven home if a half an hour would have exhausted Joseph to the point of rendering him unable to drive.

Joseph has been to collage - and he is familiar with the campus.  I myself have never been there.  Except for the 20 minutes it took to get Michele in his dorm.  I highly doubt my husband's brother did not allow his wife to see where her son is going to school.  I'm most certain that when I speak with various friends throughout the next several weeks - I won't be hearing another mother say that her husband would not even allow her a half an hour to see where their child will be living.

Would one stinkin half hour made a difference?  Why did my husband not allow me to walk around to see where our son is living? 

So please do not ask me how far is the cafeteria (is that what it's even called)?  Don't ask me what the names of the houses he lives next to - please don't ask me how many floors there are in his building - or where the library is.  Please do not ask me about where he will do his laundry or buy any supplies he will need including his books.  Because I do not know.  I was not allowed to look around and find out.

One half an hour was to much for my husband Joseph to allow me to look around the campus to find these things out.

Birthing Our Firstborn to the World

After trying so hard for the pregnancy test after pregnancy test to become positive – I felt both shock and joy. I could not believe the wonderful gift God had given me to become a mother. I longed for it – I pined for it – I imagined it and could taste it.

Unlike most pregnant mothers I know – either during their pregnancies or when they talk about them. I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved making a baby. It was however at some point in my pregnancy that I had to come to the realization that the baby would have to actually come out of my body.

Fear took hold – I needed more pregnancy time. Nine months, (ten lunar) – 40 weeks – 280 days was not enough to hold onto a baby within my belly. I liked the idea of elephants having the opportunity to be pregnant for several years!!

Giving birth was a stage – then raising your children is another stage. The part about giving birth to my son that I never really comprehended in a real sense was that some day he would be a man and would actually leave. On the day you give birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy – you know somewhere in the far distant future – he will have to go and make his own way in the world. What is hard to wrap my brain around is how fast that far distant future has come upon us.

My husband Joseph seems to be handling things well. I for one am falling apart. This past year has been a year of big changes – growth – and of course pruning. We had in one year our Son Michele’s High school senior prom, graduation, learning to drive (which has aged me fifteen years in only six months) celebrating his 18th birthday and now he is leaving for college the day after tomorrow. Our daughter at the same time has graduated junior high, celebrated her holy confirmation and is now entering high school.

Like my pregnancy with Michele, this year has all the emotions of him being birthed to the world – albeit the vagina this time is the front door of our house - the same emotions of birthing him to the world still apply. One minute I’m excited and happy and proud of his new growths and accomplishments – and another moment I’m aggravated and irritated because my opinions don’t hold water and because of late I have become somewhat “stupid” and I “don’t know what I am talking about”.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do during this past year is to “not do for Michele what he can do for himself.” I’ve had to watch him lose opportunities and painfully watch him suffer consequences good and bad for his actions. In these past weeks I have been a constant hammer of questions like - “what do you need? Are you taking that? Did you make the call? Where’s your list? Do they have a microwave?” etc… flying out of my mouth nailing Michele’s ears nearly every encounter that we see each other. While Michele has been packing to move away to college – I’ve had to step back. Every time I’ve tried to help – has turned into an argument because after all I was not actually helping him but in reality I was telling him what I think he should and should not pack and what I think he should and should not leave behind. It’s been hard to step back and let him decide and allow him to make these choices.

I tell myself its okay if he makes a mistake – how else will he learn? – And who is to say I’m right anyway? I tell myself that it’s probably good for him to forget something – that way he will perhaps come home and visit. Yet I want to pack him with all the comforts of food, bedding, toys, clothing and treats as if he is ten years old going on a camping trip. 

If only we could bear to be near each other enough to get through this painful time - time which is precious and slipping away. As I am having a difficult time parting with Michele – I’m sure he is scared and nervous as well. (Although he did not tell me - I'm just guessing).  He wants his freedom immediately yet he still yanks on my shirt tail - and I am in his way – I need to step aside and let him do what he needs to do. It all comes down to this: FEAR – of the unfamiliar – of making mistakes and of the possible pain we both may experience – and most of all the fear of separation. (I am the one with separation anxiety).

I am both scared and excited about sending Michele into the world. I think despite having me for a mom – he has turned out pretty well. One moment I can’t wait for it to be over with and another – I feel as if “I need more time”. It is what it is. It is all good stuff. And Nature does not wait for me or anybody to be ready.

So this Saturday we will be driving Michele off to his college dorm. My birthing pangs will probably be felt for days and possibly for months – and I will put my trust in God and all the angels to watch over and protect him.

It is time to let Michele test his wings and fly from the nest.